The next morning I drove to William’s house.
At sunrise, I put Nora in her car seat and drove to the address that had been written on the oldest envelope.
The closer I got, the stronger the vague images from my childhood became.
When I finally stood in front of the house, it seemed smaller than I remembered.
The garden, on the other hand, looked almost exactly the same.
For a moment I just stood there, trying to piece together the house in front of me with the images in my head.
Then the front door opened.
An older man was standing inside.
He was thinner than I had imagined.
But his eyes immediately told me who he was.
William.
He looked at me silently for several seconds.
« You look just like your mother. »
I instinctively pulled Nora a little closer to me.
« I need to talk to Caleb. »
« Caleb is unavailable. »
« Then tell me why he left. »
William’s gaze fell upon Nora.
« Come in. We can talk about this like adults. »
« I want an answer. »
His gaze wandered to Nora’s face.
For a fraction of a second, his expression changed.
I recognized something in it that I now immediately understood myself.
Recognition.
Then it disappeared.
His jaw tensed.
« He knew about the pregnancy. He decided to leave. »
His voice was perfectly calm.
« That’s the answer you came all this way for. Take your daughter and go home. »
« I don’t believe you. »
« That’s not my problem. Please get off my porch. »
I stepped backwards into the garden.
Suddenly something opened up in my memory.
A woman crying in a doorway.
My mother’s hand, which gripped mine tightly.
The voice of a man that followed us down the same steps.
« Does not come back. »
Then a second picture appeared.
A little boy ran barefoot behind us.
Different colored eyes.
Caleb.
He had also cried.
And then I remembered his hand on the back of my red bicycle.
I screamed that he shouldn’t let me go.
« I won’t. Keep driving. »
I was already in the middle of the driveway when I stopped.
Nora moved against my chest.
William wanted me to believe that this little boy had grown into a man who could leave his own daughter without looking back.
Perhaps that was indeed the case.
Perhaps all the letters and memories hadn’t changed what Caleb had done to me months before.
But I wouldn’t simply accept Williams’ version of the story.
I turned back towards the house.
„William.“
He looked at me.
« I will not leave until Caleb stands before me in person and tells me that he does not want his daughter. »
His face hardened.
« You’re hysterical. »
« No. I am definitely. »
Then I heard a voice from inside the house.
« Dad, step aside. »
My heart seemed to stop for a moment.
Footsteps approached through the hallway.
William’s hand gripped the door frame.
Then he slowly let go.
The door opened wider.
Caleb stepped onto the porch.
He looked exhausted.
Not just tired.
He looked as if he had barely slept for days.
For months I had imagined what I would say if I ever saw him again.
I had entire conversations in my head.
I had yelled at him.
I had demanded answers.
I had imagined that I would remain completely calm.
But the moment he actually stood in front of me, all those prepared sentences disappeared.
I stood on the gravel driveway with Nora in my arms and looked at the man I had once loved.
« How long have you known? »
He didn’t pretend he didn’t understand the question.
« Since the bookstore. »
« So you found me on purpose. »
« I recognized your name. Then I saw you and… »
“The red bicycle,” I interrupted him. “All these questions about my childhood. You knew exactly who I was.”
His gaze fell.
« I wanted to tell you. »
« For two years? »
„Emily …“
« You listened to me while I talked about the family my mother worked for. You knew exactly who I was talking about. You made me fall in love with you without telling me you belonged to that family. »
« I was afraid that you would look at me and see him. »
I looked at William.
« And when I told you I was pregnant, you still disappeared. »
Caleb took a step closer.
« Not because I didn’t want Nora. »
« Why then? »
His hesitation frightened me more than any possible answer.
Finally, he spoke.
« The night you told me, I drove straight here. I forced him to tell me what he had done to your mother. He admitted it. »
William let out a bitter laugh.
« Don’t pretend I told you this voluntarily. »
Caleb gave him a sharp look.
Then he looked at me again.
“Then he made me an offer. If I stayed away from you until the baby was born, he would finally release the family trust fund.”
He inhaled.
« 1.6 million that my grandfather left me. Money that my father has controlled since I was nineteen. »
I stared at him.
« And you agreed? »
“Yes.”
The word hit me almost harder than its explanation.
Caleb fuhr fort.
« I convinced myself that once the baby was born and the fund was legally and definitively mine, he wouldn’t be able to control me anymore. Then I wanted to come back. I wanted to tell you everything. And I thought we could build a life that he couldn’t touch anymore. »
I could hardly believe that this had been the plan.
“And Nora was born almost two weeks ago,” I said. “So why are you still here?”
« The transfer was completed three days ago. I was just packing my things and leaving when Dad told me that Nora was still in intensive care. »
His voice became quieter.
« I didn’t even know which hospital you were in. »
I slowly shook my head.
« So you just disappeared and decided that I would understand later. »
His gaze fell upon Nora.
« I told myself it would be better to lose these months with you than to let him control the rest of our lives. »
« And you never thought I should have a say in it? »
Caleb said nothing.
He didn’t have to say anything.
His silence was the answer.
I looked at him.
Then I looked towards William’s house.
And suddenly I recognized the pattern that had run through my family’s history.
Every man who claimed to want to protect or love a woman in my family had at some point decided what she was allowed to know.
“William made the decision for my mother,” I said. “Grandfather decided which parts of my own childhood I would be allowed to know. And you decided when I deserved the truth.”
Caleb’s face fell inward.
„Emily …“
« You let him decide what I was allowed to know, Caleb. That’s exactly what he did to my mother. »
Caleb and Nora.
His eyes filled with tears.
« She has my eyes. »
“Yes.”
His voice trembled.
« May I meet her? »
Three months earlier, I would have answered this question as the woman who loved Caleb.
But this woman was no longer the only person who was allowed to decide.
Now I was Nora’s mother.
And I first had to think about what was right for her.
“Yes,” I said. “You can be her father.”
I paused for a moment.
« But I won’t take you back. »
Caleb nodded slowly.
« I will not disappear again. I promise. »
I looked at him intently.
« Don’t promise me. »
Then I looked at Nora.
« Show me. »
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